So, its my final year of university. yaay \°/. Let’s just say, a few months to go..two to be exact. Today’s blog is a little bit of an orientation for the Matiang’i squad joining University and more of a throwback for those who’ve been there. It’s a bit homemade so I am pretty sure the people who have been down this road would relate. As for the ‘youngins‘, hahaha… That’s what you are referred to nowadays no?… Anyway, it’s going to be tough out here, and once in a while you’re going to have to let loose. Probably you might even need it.
When you hit the club, you are going to meet a variety of people; most of them are out to have a good time, but that doesn’t mean they are all the same. Kuna watu na viatu duniani, believe me. Ni kuona mengi…But here are my 10 must see party people at a dunda.
1. The Burden
This is a guarantee when you go out. I assure you, you will meet one of them, or if it’s your birthday, you will be them :D. After having one drink too many, they just die. Gone. Blacked out. K.O.’d. Slumberkaka. Dreamdada. If you are lucky, it will happen a few hours after you reach the club because sometimes, they decide to count sheep even before the bouncer gets to not ask you for your ID or even show off your new outfit. By the time the club is closing, they cannot even stand.
2. Nightin_Gal Lesbians
“Huyu ni nani? Anataka nini? Unamjua?”
‘Simjui. Ata ananisumbua…’
“Haya…” (shoves the creep away) “Babe, are you okay?”
On a girl’s night out, no girls like to be bothered by unknown guys at the club, unless you look good…and I mean really good…CC: Trey Songz, then my dear, you will most definitely meet the ‘Nightin_gal Lesbians’. They are ladies who just want to have a good time on their own, and once an unknown person tries to disrupt their moment, they instantly become lesbians just to spoof the stranger away.
3. Twerkin’ Texter
I have met a number of these, and probably been one of them too. Miss Twerking Texter wants the best of both worlds; to text and to dance. She will constantly be on her phone the whole night, but you won’t miss her on the dance floor twerking to the club bangers. I think when they said women can multitask, ni hawa warembo…
4. The Vodka Dancer
This one is pretty simple. This guy or girl, with the help of vodka is thee best dancer in the club. Confidence level 100. No one can match up to their dancing skills…and I mean literally no one. Move aside and away from them because they take their dancing pretty seriously. They know all the dance moves; Twerking, Bazokizo, Juju on that beat, Dougie, Shoki, Dab …you name it. (see what I did there..hahaha). Sometimes you feel like you’re watching a music video.
5. Mama/Baba Snapchat
Dear millennial, you don’t have to record everything you do at the club. You really don’t. Take it from me, I’ve been there, and done that. Maybe once in a while, a picture or two, but not a whole movie young one.
However, we have many of these today. Anything small, ‘Tupige selfie guys…’ *click* …Drinks come to the table, it’s a Jamey or Smurff…*click*…The DJ drops a new club banger and everyone is dancing, including the extra shy one…*click*.
6. Mama Watoto
You all know what I’m talking about. Heck, either you’ve been her or you’ve met her. As some men would like to out rightly call her, ‘the cockblocker‘. Every group of ladies has one. Always there to protect her babies and also make sure every baby is well catered for. In case a guy comes around one of her cup cakes, he’d probably go back regretting her existence. In addition, they buy water, and hold hair back and just make sure any drunk girl is safe and sound
7. Drama Queen
One minute they are starting a fight because of one drunk fella who shoved them out of the way, or because someone stepped on their foot, the next minute they are crying and demanding attention because of a past relationship that didn’t end as expected. Their male counterparts would be referred to as Mike Tyson. Always looking for the smallest of reasons to throw a punch because they are assured of back up from their pals.
8. The Great Houdini
You arrive at the club together. The waiter approaches you and you make an order. You are out to have a good time and everyone pledges to contribute a specific amount to changia that mzinga. It’s 4am, guys are beat, you guys need to go home. It’s time to pay the bill. POOF! The disappearing act at its best. He/She left a long time ago. You’re left paying the bill on your own because, Houdini!
9. Time to go home’r
Instead of throwing their hands in the air like they just don’t care, they are busy throwing other things…nasty things…and it’s not pretty.Throwing up everywhere. Sometimes you doubt what they had for supper before they went to the club. But in all honesty, let’s not mix things up at the club. Stick to thine lanes alcohol lovers.
10. The Guzzler
They ball hard at the club. Cocktails. Wine. Whiskey. Vodka. Champagne…even that Moet…lol…I mean, pesa otas…donge? They put the money where their mouth is. Drinking like there is no tomorrow. Some even believe that alcohol is the liquid version of photoshop. Hahaha. I pray for those livers every Sundays.
Eventually an epic night is what you have, despite the drama and scenes caused. But what are memories fam? Youngins, there you have it, I hope this helps you out as you join the world. Have fun. To my fellow night crawlers, which of these 10 Kenyans are you? Which one made you think of your friends? Share this article if it reminded you of the crazy nights you’ve had with your girls or guys and maybe you can relive those unforgettable times together!